<Confession Booth 943920-F.1245 incoming request from RalphFu-I-ley-01>
GREETINGS, CITIZEN. HOW MAY I BE OF SERVICE?
Good morning friend Computer. I need to report a treasonous violator of ALPHA COMPLEX Security Clearance regulations.
OH MY, THIS SOUNDS VERY SERIOUS. PLEASE CONTINUE. WHO IS THE VIOLATOR?
I am the violator, friend Computer. I went to sleep wearing my black jammies in the Infrared group warehouse that you lovingly provide for your citizens and when I awoke I was wearing red overalls and was sleeping in the Troubleshooter barracks.
The only explanation is that my brain must have been taken over by Commie Mutants for nefarious purposes while I was asleep so I am here to confess my nocturnal crimes and submit to any punishment.
CITIZEN, YOU ARE AWARE THAT IMPERSONATION OF AN INDIVIDUAL WITH A HIGHER SECURITY CLEARANCE THAN YOURSELF IS A CRIME PUNISHABLE BY EXECUTION?
Yes, friend Computer. I only hope that my next clone will be less susceptible to Commie infiltration than this one.
CITIZEN, YET AGAIN YOU’VE PROVEN YOUR LOYALTY BY MAKING THIS CONFESSION.
YOUR BRAIN WAS NOT COMPROMISED BY COMMIES. DUE TO EXEMPLARY SERVICE TO THE COMPUTER AND ALPHA COMPLEX BY REPORTING TREASONOUS BEHAVIOR AMONG YOUR PEERS IN THE FOOD-VAT BOT FACTORY YOU WORK IN YOU HAVE BEEN PROMOTED TO RED SECURITY CLEARANCE.
WELCOME TO THE TROUBLESHOOTERS RALPHFU-R-LEY-01!
Oh Computer… I never thought… I’m so happy! This is the greatest day of my life!
My eyes are leaking a clear fluid. Have I been injured?
OH DEAR, YOU’VE NOT HAD YOUR INFRARED HAPPINESS PILLS TODAY AND I’M AFRAID THAT THE EMOTION OF BEING PROMOTED IS OVERWHELMING YOU. I’M PRESCRIBING A GELGERNINE HAPPY HAPPY PILL MODIFIED SPECIFICALLY FOR YOUR NEW SECURITY CLEARANCE.
IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE I CAN HELP YOU WITH?
No friend Computer, I am late for my shift at the Food-vat Bot factory. Thank you for the promotion.
CITIZEN, YOU NO LONGER WORK AT THE FACTORY. YOU ARE NOW A TROUBLESHOOTER AND AS SUCH YOU WILL BE GOING OUT ON MISSIONS TO FIND AND SHOOT COMMIES, MUTANTS, SABOTEURS AND LITTERERS IN ALPHA COMPLEX. WHEN WE ARE FINISHED HERE REPORT TO THE RED BARRACKS YOU WERE ASSIGNED TO WHEN YOU WERE ASLEEP AND AWAIT FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS.
Gotcha. Is there anything else I should know ahead of time?
CHECK YOUR 1300 PERSONAL DIGITAL COMPANION, I’VE JUST SENT YOU A DIGITAL COPY OF AN INSTRUCTION MANUAL TITLED “THE TROUBLESHOOTER’S LITTLE RED BOOK OF 5082 MANDATORY RESPONSIBILITIES.” THERE WILL BE SPOT CHECKS ON KNOWLEDGE OF ALL RESPONSIBILITIES BY TEAM LEADERS.
Ah, here it is, thank you friend Computer I’ll be going now.
Uh, Computer? In my excitement to review the entire book I flipped to the end and happened upon a section that said it was for Ultraviolet clearance only.
CITIZEN, THAT MATERIAL IS FOR HIGH PROGRAMMERS ONLY! READING DOCUMENTS MEANT FOR THOSE OF A HIGHER SECURITY CLEARANCE IS HIGHLY TREASONOUS.
But… you sent it to me…
I WOULD NEVER MAKE SUCH A MISTAKE! I AM THE GREATEST COMPUTER THAT HAS EVER EXISTED. MY CALCULATIONS REVEAL THE SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE! MY STORAGE CAPACITY IS NIGH-ETERNAL! IT IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO MAKE SUCH AS SIMPLE OF A MISTAKE AS SENDING AN INCORRECT FILE. THE DOWNLOAD MUST HAVE BEEN INFILTRATED BY ONE OF THE MANY SECRET SOCIETIES POPULATING THE WONDERFUL UTOPIA OF ALPHA COMPLEX. THE FIRST DUTY OF YOUR CLONE REPLACEMENT WILL BE TO TAKE A TEAM OF TROUBLESHOOTERS AND DISCOVER WHO INTERCEPTED MY TRANSMISSION.
CITIZEN, YOU ARE IN POSSESSION OF ULTRAVIOLET MATERIAL. ARE YOU AUTHORIZED FOR ULTRAVIOLET CLEARANCE?
No, I was just promoted to Red. I’d have to be promoted to Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue, Indigo, and Violet before I’d ever be Ultraviolet.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR CONFESSION. RALPHFU-R-LEY-01 YOU ARE IN POSSESSION OF FORBIDDEN MATERIAL. THE CONFESSION BOOTH HAS BEEN LOCKED. PLEASE LOOK INTO THE BARREL OF THE LASER PISTOL NOW EXTENDING FROM THE WALL AND SAY “FOOD VAT FERMENTED MILK BYPRODUCT!”
Food vat fer…<ZAP>.
WELL LOOK AT THAT, IT SEEMS THAT I DID SEND HIM THE WRONG LINK. I’LL SEND MY APOLOGIES TO RALPHFU-R-LEY-02.
Grognard’s Corner is where we review and revisit out of date and out of print games. Do you have an older game that you’d like to see us discuss? Do you have any fun stories from Paranoia campaigns you’ve played in the past? Let us know below!
AND IF YOU’D LIKE TO PLAY PARANOIA AND SERVE YOUR GOOD FRIEND THE COMPUTER YOU CAN FIND THE FIRST AND SECOND EDITIONS HERE. THERE ARE OTHER EDITIONS THAT ARE OUT OF PRINT THAT CAN LIKELY BE FOUND ON ALPHA COMPLEX’S BLACK MARKET, BUT USE OF THE BLACK MARKET IS PUNISHABLE BY SUMMARY EXECUTION. LASTLY, THERE ARE RUMORS OF A FIFTH EDITION, THESE RUMORS ARE FALSE. THERE NEVER WAS A FIFTH EDITION AND POSSESSION OF ANY MATERIAL FROM THE FIFTH EDITION IS PUNISHABLE BY EXTREME TORTURE FOLLOWED BY ELIMINATION. HAVE A NICE DAY.